


lil gay dumbass yearns in word vomit

by tyisntdead021



Category: No Fandom
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst and Feels, F/F, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Other, Pining, Prose Poem, Rants, Unrequited Crush, Yearning, i hope she never sees this, im in love with my best friend, not really - Freeform, poem, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:47:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyisntdead021/pseuds/tyisntdead021
Summary: hi so this is being posted on impulse, it's a vent I wrote when I got too sad about liking my best friend, I hope this is somewhat enjoyable if someone is reading it, even if it's just laughable
Comments: 4
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> and yes tell me what you think if u read I am begging for attention ig

i shouldnt have sent you that joke  
"i sound desperate but im not"  
"its okay" you said  
"its a joke" and I hope you believed  
I sounded so stupid  
so crushed by the obvious  
of course you wouldnt like me

maybe I opened your eyes to want someone else  
and sometimes I just wish you were straight  
i wish i could wish you weren't

I don't want you to lie to me  
but I lie to you all the time  
I wish I didnt feel

is this my curse?  
falling for my best friend?  
it sure feels like a burden  
like all my sins could be forgiven while I ache

it felt like a slap on the face  
a punch in the gut  
but only because I let myself drift away with what's unreal  
with what's impossible

I'll never be satisfied  
maybe that's my burden  
what I need to go through  
maybe in another life i had it too good  
i hope i was happy

every gift feels wrong right now  
am i going too far?  
am i giving myself to you?  
am i giving too much?  
...  
do you feel weird about it?  
i hope you never find out  
unless it's to say you feel the same

but even then do i want it back?  
could i handle such a fragile concept?  
such a beautiful thing?  
in my big clumsy hands?

hands you said weren't as ugly as i thought  
and even then  
they wouldnt be worthy of holding you

even then  
im sure you dont want them close to you  
,  
that's a lie,  
you said you wanted to hold my hand  
and I'll grab onto anything you give me

but I'll never be more to you

and this feeling is horrible  
but without it I feel empty  
I think I need it to live  
...  
needing to hurt to live  
do I need it more than you?


	2. Chapter 2

I never thought of myself as ugly  
and it feels selfish to say  
that I wasnt happy with what I saw  
because you dont want me

I know that's not how it works  
but that's how i feel  
and i was always a fool with stronger feelings

I'm sorry for all of this  
sorry for all my feelings  
sorry for being selfish

  
this was all because of that daydream  
even if you think the same  
even if you want what I want then  
it feels wrong  
...  
I feel like i crossed a line  
a line i drew to not hurt myself  
but with it i wouldnt live

but is it better to not live fully or to live guiltily?


	3. Chapter 3

is it bad I feel scared?  
the last time I daydreamed with someone else about our lives  
...  
i feel afraid i somehow cursed our friendship  
or that I'm cursed and a relationship with me is never supposed to work

but that would be too much to say  
I dont want to sound needy  
I dont want to be needy  
,  
I always felt like it was too much when someone was needy with me  
so how am I able to let myself be needy with you?  
I'll just shut up


	4. Chapter 4

I wonder if in my past life   
I had my heart broken  
I wonder if  
I had it so good  
for a while  
and then i got hurt

because right now  
I hurt beforehand  
so maybe I could have some faith  
in the future I'll be able  
to love and be loved

but I'm not too upset  
as much as it hurts from time to time  
I'm not unfamiliar with pain  
that comes and goes

and loving is stronger than any suffering  
I love loving you

I love loving

**Author's Note:**

> sorry and thanks for reading🤙


End file.
